why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
