He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
