God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
