This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
