My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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