I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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