I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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