so explain again why im purple
no
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
