6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
