My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
