she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
