Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Randomize
