you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
