i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
