Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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