So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Randomize
