Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
