i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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