Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Just puked most of my soul out..
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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