I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
