If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Randomize
