Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
