I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
