I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
