I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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