I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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