i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
