I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
