I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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