Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I just found a bag of teeth...
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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