just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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