I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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