I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
