I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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