toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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