The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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