When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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