Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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