My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
