My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
