why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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