I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
it's like iHOP with fire
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Sext me about skeletons
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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