Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
