My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
