whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
