im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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