I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
