I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize
