This is not my ceiling
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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