dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
