she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize