Will you blow on my dice?
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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