He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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