...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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