Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
