he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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