apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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