Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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