You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
