Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
