I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
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